Depressed or just AWOL?

“Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him For the help of His countenance.” ~ Psalms 42:5 (NKJV)
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I can hear Elvis singing now: “You ever have one of those days, boys? You ever have one of those days? When nothing goes right from morning to night… You ever have one of those days?”
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Okay, so maybe my blues aren’t straight issue G. I., but they are the result of serious warfare… the SPIRITUAL KIND! Maybe it is Martina McBride singing in the background for my melodrama! “When God-fearin’ women get the blues…”
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At any rate there is a song and it ain’t gospel that has been playing in the 8-track in my head…(yet more song lyrics – I JUST CAN’T HELP MYSELF! and those would be song lyrics, too… Please make it stop… a bad disc jockey is playing in my head!)
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Why you ask? Oh, well maybe it is the unconfessed anger I just realized I’ve been harboring against God about my son not being here. Perhaps it could be the pre-empty nest jitters I’m having as I realize the domino graduation process is about to begin.
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Ah, Yes… The domino graduation process. IF I have not mentioned it before, my husband and I are about to begin domino graduation with our children. We like to play dominoes, especially Mexican Train and Chickenfeet, but this Domino process may prove more than this Mother Bird’s heart can bear. Domino graduating, as I lovingly call it, will commence on June 9th with daughter #1, Brittany, 18 will walk the stage in ye olde cap and gown while her mother CRIES CROCODILE TEARS AND BEAMS WITH PRIDE ALL AT THE SAME TIME.
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Not to mention we have sent out 41 and still counting invitations to friends and family for a huge “Hats off to Brittany” party… VERY CUTE THEME, by the way! I thunk it up with the help of a Scrapbook Sticker. I drew the cute little black cap with pink … Oh yeah! I… uh… sort of posted that a few weeks back! Oh, that means there could be 120 people congregating in my neighborhood with very narrow streets to celebrate my Brittany’s accomplishment.
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On top of all this, there is the underlying drama of her father promising to help with expenses and agreeing to the order I placed back in November. He let me know he is can’t help out with the expenses just this weekend. Which, catching me in my “BLUE” period on just the wrong day with just the wrong question seemed to LEAVE MY OTHERWISE CALM, COOL AND COLLECTED SELF SOMEWHERE IN LAST WEEK. I not only emotionally vomitted on him, I shot it out of a cannon with two barrels.
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And this is the only first of four children who are graduating in our very household in the next FOUR YEARS… Did I say FOUR… Oh Yes, I did… TRAVIS, he is the next candidate for graduation class of 2009, and then my TAYLOR…. She will be a member of the class of 2010 if not sooner if she can manage it. Finally, last but certainly not least, MEGGIE-MOO will graduate in 2011. Thus the term DOMINO GRADUATING.
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Then there is college and life choices, and I can’t even check up on them at school without their permission. Oh how the tides turn quickly… I know it is part of life, part of growing up… part of Learning to Let Go! For Heaven’s Sake, I have been looking forward to a time when me and my man can have the house to ourselves… I just did not think it would get her so DARN QUICK!
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Oh, and did I mention future husbands, wives and children! And there it is… the thing I will be praying for, waiting for and watching the horizon for in so many ways! Don’t get me wrong… I can’t wait to see how their lives turn out, and weddings…. Yes indeedy… I’m very exciting about the weddings I know God has in their futures… But that crown of blessing called Grandchildren… well Grammy Bentham just cannot wait to see those tiny little hands and feet of another generation that I am praying into the Kingdom. I can’t wait to feed them, change their diapers…. Hold it, did I just say that? Yes, change their diapers and watch my babies become Momma’s of their own children. And it should be interesting to see how Travis come out since at 17, he has yet to discover girls! (I wish you could see the grin on my face about now.)
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Travis is a rare, quiet child. He has an awkward sense of humor and an unusual interest in video games which is really not so unusual for a boy of 17. He is his father made over and that amuses me to no end -except Travis is not a hat and boots kind of kid… He aspires to go to college and get a good enough job to support his game habit – and I might add he would prefer to do it in as few a years as possible. This is a step up from his previous goal of being a manager of his local Gamestop for the rest of his life. I asked him once why that aspiration and he grinned big…
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“Easy. Video Games.” IOW: He could play all the games he wants and get paid for it. And if he buys them, he gets a discount. As I said, I love him, but I’m praying hard. He is also our one child who has not yet made a decision about Christ… still, in my heart of hearts I know that issue is a “when” and not an “if” proposition. God is good. And He is faithful.
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Taylor would like to take an accelerated program and graduate ASAP. Her words… “I Hate High School.” Specifically the heathen culture of her high school. No prom, no cap or gown for Taylor – she just wants a fast track and accelerated exit with as little fanfare as possible. Megan will probably be our most classic high school student of the bunch.
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Brittany hated High School and wanted to be out ASAP, but she really is a nostalgia kind of kid so these once in a lifetime ops are good for her and me. But, Megan… She is a frehman and dating a senior – her father and I have little say in what she does these days, we don’t see them much. But, it is so hard to see her with a boy so much older. She went to prom this year -and that may be a precious thing. We are just concerned really with the idea that her boyfriend is 18 and she is 14 which can’t be good for either child. Another place we are having to pray and trust God because not much chance we are going to get a big opportunity to change the scenery.
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And so… thus it goes. Plus, all this family business is leading me to miss my boy bunches.
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So why so downcast, Oh my soul… Because Life is right in front of me and it just reared its ugly head. Thank goodness the Psalmist plays on and Psalm 46 is right around the corner… “Be Still, and know that I am God.”
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Love ya’ll. I’ll try to get back in the swing of things again! This has been the best week I’ve had in a while.

2 thoughts on “Depressed or just AWOL?

  1. I think I can so understand this mindset you speak of. I spoke of similar such things in this Saturday’s post. I will have 2 years between graduates but feel as if this year I am in the same place. My oldest graduates and I am sending him thousands of miles away to college. In two years the next graduates but he has severe learning disabilities and I just don’t know what he is going to do and the same for the fourth. It just seems like life with four teenagers right now is VERY demanding and sometimes I weary. That is what I heard more than anything in your post is that you are weary-physically, emotionally, spiritually. But you are not alone dear one! I am so sorry. Just keep on fighting the good fight of faith. Even if it seems as if you are losing or as if God is not there with you-I know you know that He is!

    Jesus,

    Please wrap Yourself around this dear saint. Give her all she needs. You are more than sufficient. You can do exceedingly, abundantly more than she asks or imagines. Help her to stand on Your promises. Recall them to her mind. Defend her emotions and and spirit and mind against the enemy. Help her to focus on you. Keep her eyes on You Jesus that the things of this world would grow strangely dim in the light of Your glory and grace. Remind her she is more than a conqueror through You who died for her! In Your precious name. Amen.

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