On March 11, 2015 I marked the 27th remembrance of the day my first child – Justin Brant Newsom, the fair haired boy of my youth – entered my world. That little baby came into my life a squawking mess of pink flesh and a bundle of energy that often rose before dawn and did not settle himself down again until well after the sun had set. He lived as a gift to me in all his struggle, even the painful days of not quite knowing how to reach him as his life spun out of control, and he remained a gift those 8 days after his accident as our hearts came to terms with the end of his life at 17 years, 5 month, 12 days, 3 hours and 18 minutes of age.
I mark the days differently 10 years later. I mark the joys, the treasure of his life and the healing grace of God in our hearts. Today my heart paused to remember as I ran across a song by a prophetic artist that moves my heart to worship, Jonathan David Helser, who sing’s “Amy’s Song.”
After grieving Justin’s passing a few weeks I had a moment with God where He (God) reminded me that there is grace in the completion of our salvation after death. Hard to argue with God about losing your child when you realize he is in the safest keeping possible, whole, complete, and loved fully by his Father God.
On the third anniversary of his death I stood in a stadium of 10,000 women worshipping God and receiving teaching and words of encouragements from Beth Moore. One thousand of them were bloggers, just like me, who had become a part of Siestaville, the women who frequent and comment on Beth’s LPM Blog since it began in 2006. My sisters in the faith, some of whom sent cards of condolences and checks to help with the funeral costs because we were forum pals before there ever could be a blog, met face to face for the first time that weekend.
As I stood in the midst of the sea of women, hearts turned toward heaven, I worshipped with my whole being. Then the lights
dimmed, Travis Cottrell invited the women on the floor to sit down – and I did. Then, he began to sing a beautiful hymn, “Before the Throne of God,” and the powerful words drew a vision in my mind. I saw my precious boy kneeling before the feet of my God in Heaven’s throne room worshipping and I saw our God pull my sweet boy into His loving embrace. The vision and the moving words of worship compelled my body up, my hands thrown high in the air as the tears of loss and the tears of healing fell free. Streaming down my face as I sang my heart out to the only one who could ever know the depth of my pain or offer the power to bring my heart the healing it needed.
That morning I had read Isaiah 60:20 “And the days of your mourning shall come to an end….” Somehow I knew that I had reached a place of newness of life. A new path to walk out embracing the healing in loss rather than lamenting it’s sorrow.
I have spent much of the last ten years becoming very educated on grief and how to seek the healthy transitions of grief and change from God’s perspective. I’ve walked many through their personal losses of children and have prayed and attended funerals for far too many children I knew by name and experience. As I close I pray for those hurting over such losses and so I leave my friends who may have hurts in their heart this Friday morning with the song that stirred me to write… “Amy’s Song” by Jonathan David Helser.
It rings with truth from my own experience with God: